Continuing our series this week we're on to step 2:
Choose to forgive, placing your hurt in the hands of the Lord
Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club 31 Women
But I can.
It all began so sweetly. Not long ago we were sitting around on a slow Saturday morning, working on our second carafe of French press coffee, when it happened. I’d been sharing with the girls something close to my heart, when my husband interjected with what he considered to be a playful remark.
Playful?
Maybe he saw it as a fun poke, but it felt more like a sharp dagger to me. And I staggered from the blow. My heart twisted up and tears filled my eyes as the conversation carried on without me.
Soon I began a quiet little discussion of mine own. How could he possibly tease me in that way? He must have known what he was implying with that “slight” jab! And how did it make me look in front of our girls?? I stewed on until unable to take it any longer and went out of the room.
At some point, he must have realized his offense because he came to me and tried to make amends. “I’m sorry, Babe, I didn't mean anything by it. “
Followed by, “Will you forgive me?”
No. I won’t.
I mean I want to, I just can’t.
And though he thought he was still talking to me, I was no longer there. I was gone. While standing only a few feet away from him, my heart was in another place. A much safer place.
He had made it sound so simple, as if a quick sorry would take it all away. But he really had no idea how deeply he had hurt me. Sure, he was sorry, but did he have any true sense of how his words had pierced?
I could feel the walls going up. Nice, strong, thick ones. Impenetrable. And I felt better already. No way, he wasn't going to get back in that easily. That one went in too deep. So we carried on with our day and I wept my way through morning chores.
A few hours later, however, I felt his gentle hand on my shoulder. His beckoning voice coming from behind me, “C’mon Beautiful, why are we wasting time with this great divide between us...when we could be loving each other instead?”
I knew he was right. This wasn’t the kind of love the Lord had for us. But I was having an awfully hard time letting go of the hurt.
A long hesitation. Until at last the walls came tumbling down.
I forgive you.
Then unexpected beauty came pouring in.
Because those walls that I’d put up—those nice, strong, thick ugly ones? They didn’t really shield my heart. No, those kinds of walls are only good for keeping the loving out.
And your walls? Do you have nice, strong, thick ones like mine?
There’s a purpose for this barrier of ours---to protect against the pain. But it’s holding on to our hurts that leads to bitterness, hard-heartedness, and, eventually, downright ugliness. We surely don’t want that for our marriage. Our Lord doesn't want it either. He intends for our love to be sweet, soft-hearted and lovely. Full of forgiveness.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
Forgiveness is not something you feel, it’s what you choose. We can’t wait until we “feel” like forgiving because, if you’re anything like me, that could be a very long time. Instead, make a conscious choice to forgive and then line up your feelings later.
Your husband can’t heal your heart. Only Christ can heal your hurts. You can’t expect your husband to repair and restore that which can only be done by the Great Physician’s skilled hands. Don’t resent him for something he can’t do.
Loving means forgiving both the big and the small. Sometimes we’re able to forgive the “big things”, but let the small ones accumulate. Relatively harmless things--dirty laundry, small failings and odd habits—can bunch up and become a barrier all of its own. This is where “bearing with one another” (Eph. 4:2) applies. Simply let the small things go.
You can’t move forward without forgiving. Isn't it tempting to want to merely move on? Yet “forgetting” is not the same thing as forgiving. In fact, forgetting leads to festering rather than true reconciliation. Forgive, and skip forward with a free heart.
Leave off with the List. If you've forgiven him for an offense then it must be completely removed - from your heart and from your mind. It is never to be mentioned again for any reason. Don’t keep a List that can be pulled up whenever it suits you. Love keeps no record of wrongs (I Cor. 13).
Today’s Challenge: Choose forgiveness, placing any hurt you've been harboring in the Lord’s hands. Pour it out before the Healer and leave it with Him for good. Then let His loving beauty pour in.
If you’d like prayer for the healing of your heart and the tearing down of walls, then I hope you’ll share it here. Or, if you've experienced wonderful victory or a great breakthrough, pass that on as well. It would be so encouraging to many!
Will you let Him heal your heart and bring beauty back into your marriage?
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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