How to Choose a Good Wife & How to Be One

Photo from  www.stayathomedaughter.com

The other day I came across a couple of posts by Ashley of "Stay-at-Home Daughter." One was her courtship story and the other was about her recent engagement to Chris aka "Mr. Right." Intrigued by her testimony (a must read for all single women) I stumbled upon her fiance's blog, "Striving for Wisdom" (also a must read--for single men).

After reading his blog I made a decision to do something I've never done before at Time-Warp Wife--invite a man to guest post for me. Why haven't I thought of this before? If we want to live lives that are pleasing to our husbands and be the best help meet that we can be, why not ask God-fearing men what they are looking for in a woman?

I can tell you right now that my husband has a different view of beauty than that which we see being portrayed in the media, and from what I've read, so does my guest blogger!

Here's the thing... I didn't have to ask Chris what he's looking for in a woman, he had just finished writing the following article about his fiance, Ashley. Encouraged by his words, I asked if I could share his article with you in hopes that I might strive for better character. Ladies--this post is incredible!

P.S. Please check out the links below the post to visit Ashley and Chris at their own blogs. Thanks!

Why I Chose Ashley Schnarr Above All Other Women

While many other women have done excellently, to me Ashley surpasses them all. If this were not the case, then I wouldn’t have asked her to marry me. So why did I choose Ashley and not somebody else? This is what I would like to share in this post.

As a man, God calls me to love my wife as Christ loves the church… so much so that I lay down my life for her. God calls me to be the head of our household and leader in our marriage. God calls me to love her, cherish her, nourish her, wash her with the water of the Word, oversee her sanctification, dwell with her in all understanding, seek to put her needs above my own, and much more! God requires this of me regardless of whom I marry or if my wife is “acting” in a manner deserving of this type of self sacrificing love.

Yes, all of this is required of me regardless of who I marry… but as an unmarried man, I still have the option as to whom I enter into this sacred, lifelong covenant with. Between 18 years in The Bahamas (where I am from), 6 years in North Carolina, 2 years here in Virginia, having a lot of family, being a part of several different churches over the years as well as in other contexts, I have had the opportunity to observe hundreds of wives and how they relate to their husbands… some at a distance and some much closer. I have seen many examples of godly wives who desire to be the submissive Spirit-filled helpmeet that the Bible presents, but I have seen many other examples of wives whose desire it is to control their husbands, and operate very selfishly in their marriages.

Photo from  Striving for Wisdom

Since I am not trapped in a dysfunctional marriage as many men find themselves in, I figure that it is important to look for someone who operates in a God-honoring, Spirit filled manner now, which will lessen the possibility of finding myself in a dysfunctional marriage of my own.

Don’t get me wrong… I know that marriage is difficult no matter who you are married to (I know this with a head knowledge anyway), but it is not quite as difficult if BOTH spouses are desiring to keep Christ first…and operating in the unique roles that God designed for them to operate in while allowing themselves to be controlled by the Holy Spirit.


This is what I see in Ashley--someone who not only is already living a life according to God’s Word, but she has the incredible examples of a mother and grandmother who have been modeling biblical wife and motherhood for decades before her.

So what does this look like? What qualities do I see in Ashley? Obviously I do not have the time to list all of the qualities, but I will spend the rest of this post taking a brief look at some of the reasons why Ashley stands out to me, and why I chose to marry her.

• She is a Believer

While many people profess a faith in Christ, “I prayed a prayer” or “I made a decision” unfortunately many deny Him with their lifestyle. However I can say with absolute confidence that Ashley’s confession is genuine, as she backs it up so clearly with her life.

• She is Spiritually Maturing

Ashley’s walk with Christ goes far beyond “the shallow end” of Christianity. She studies the Word regularly to gain a much deeper understanding of it, and she actively seeks God’s help to apply its principles to her life.

• She is Teachable

Ashley doesn’t have a prideful attitude of “I know it all” about different things. Rather, she understands that as a 19-year-old, she has a lot to learn. This leads me to the next one…

• She Seeks Wisdom

Since she has a lot to learn about a lot of things (we all do!!), she actively seeks wisdom and guidance from God’s Word as well as other people God has placed in her life. These people include not only parents and grandparents, but also a variety of other Godly individuals. In fact, we have sat down together with several middle aged, godly couples from our church just so that we can glean wisdom from them as a couple.

• She Has Maturity

While many other 19-year-olds are stuck in a land of extended childhood, this is not the case with Ashley. So many other  19-year-olds  are living for the moment, for the next party, for the next “fun thing” Ashley is different. Most guys and girls her age want to have the privileges of adulthood while not assuming the responsibility that goes along with it. Ashley on the other hand embraces these responsibilities.

• She Prepares for the Future

While most girls her age are dreaming of meeting their husband and having a family…they are doing very little to prepare themselves for the next stage in life. However, Ashley has devoted herself to spending this stage in her life to do just that…PREPAREING!! What a novel idea! Instead of waiting until she is married to start preparing to be a wife (or a mother for that matter) she has been preparing for both long before I came on the scene.

• She is Family Minded

While many young women are driven by pursuing a career, this is not the model presented in scripture in Titus 2:4-5 Paul instructs the older women to teach the younger women to: “be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Ashley is not about a career, but rather pouring her life into being this kind of woman. We have very similar views on homeschooling our children, as well as the fact that they are a blessing from the Lord, arrows in our hands to shape and mold… to then shoot out into the world one day.

• She is Interdependent

Sadly many women in our society today are striving to be independent of men…even within marriage. For many women, its “my money” “my car” “I worked for it” “I can do it!” however in a marriage it’s not “mine and mine” but rather “ours.” God designed men and women different from each other, with different functions, strengths and weaknesses so that we can complement each other. Ashley understands and embraces such an idea.

• She has a Good View About Money

Another sign of maturity is how we handle money. We think we NEED a new car or motorcycle, or expensive top-of-the-line clothes so we get in debt to buy such things. This is not the case with Ashley. She has learned to live within her means--not buying things she can’t afford with money she doesn’t have, to impress people. She is very…

• Thrifty

Not only does Ashley know how to live within her means, she has also learned to be VERY thrifty. While many girls are excited to share how expensive their new clothes are, Ashley has often remarked about how she just bought this beautiful dress for $1! Or these cute shoes for $1.20 etc. Ashley is always looking for how she can get the best deal on what she is looking for, or how she can creatively reuse what she already has.

• She is a Woman of Character

Ashley is a woman who is characterized as a woman of character. She is honest; faithful; humble; has integrity; purity; purity in speech; and so much more!

• She is a Trusting Woman

While many men are not deserving of trust, sadly there are many women out there who do not trust their husbands even after they prove themselves to be trustworthy time and time again. This is not the case with Ashley. She doesn’t doubt my character, but rather trusts that God is and will continue to work in me to make me more like Christ. I never feel distrusted by her.

• She is Always Thinking the Best

Whenever there is a situation where it may appear that I have done something wrong, or if she misunderstands something that I have said or done, Ashley does not assume the worst about my motives, but rather chooses to assume the best while finding out the truth of the matter from me before jumping to conclusions.

• She Understands God’s Grace in My Life

As sinners, we all have things that we have done in our lives of which we are ashamed. We have “skeletons in our closets” so to speak. While some people might belittle a person and treat him or her like dirt when finding out such things, this is not the case with Ashley. When I have shared such things with her, instead of demeaning me, she understands God’s grace, and glories in how he has worked, and continues to work in my life.

• She Looks for Strengths, not Faults

While some people spend time picking apart other people and constantly pointing out their flaws, Ashley does not do this. Rather she looks for strengths in my life… she looks for ways to bring them out and builds me up in them.

• She is Submitted to Authority

God places us all under various types of authority in our lives. Parents, husbands, pastors, employers, teachers, etc. We can choose to either rebel against them, or submit to them. Ashley recognizes those whom God has placed in authority over her, and lovingly submits to them.

• She s Not Controlling

There are so many women out there who are controlling and domineering… who have their husbands wrapped around their little finger. This is a result of the curse, which Genesis 3 tells us. However, while Ashley does have a strong personality (she is a first born after all), she allows herself to be controlled by the Holy Spirit… and so she therefore is not a controlling person.

• She practices Open Communication

Ashley does not desire to do things behind my back, but rather is open and honest with me. We believe in doing things as a team, which includes open communication as opposed to deceptively doing things without the other person’s knowledge.

• She Gives Correction Sweetly

While Ashley does not make a point to look for flaws in my life, they undoubtedly are there. However, when she notices one, she does not condemningly accuse, but rather lovingly points them out in all humility in such a way that encourages me to grow.

• She Accepts Correction Sweetly

Not only does she give correction sweetly, she also receives it in like manner. She doesn’t get on the defensive, but rather examines herself and chooses to grow.

• She has a Heart for Helping Others

There are many ways in which this shines through. Every year for the past several years, Ashley has started and headed up a project in which she makes and collects scarves. She then ships them to poor orphans in third world countries, or to Christians in such countries to sell, so that they are able to have another source of income. Her heart for helping others also shines through in her blog, stay-at –home-daughter.com, where she uses it as a means to teach and encourage others by what God has taught her.

• She is Beautiful

While physical beauty is not the most important thing to look for in a person, it is important that you are physically attracted to the person that you marry. I have spent the entirety of this post extolling much of Ashley’s inner beauty but you know what? She is an incredibly beautiful woman physically as well! I can honestly say that she is the most beautiful woman that I know! And I am constantly overwhelmed with how God has so graciously chosen to bless me with a woman with such stunning physical beauty. But it is Ashley’s inner beauty that makes her beautiful as a whole to me.

• She is Humble

While all of the other qualities that I have shared in this post (and so many more) are true about Ashley, she is so incredibly humble about it. She doesn’t flaunt her beauty and she doesn’t get prideful about her character. Rather, she humbly seeks to serve the needs of others above her own needs.

If you would like to hear more about this courtship story Ashley has written much of their story on her blog from broken dreams before meeting Mr. Right to their unique courtship to her side of the engagement story. Chris also shares a post about their engagement from a guy’s perspective as well as the significance behind the unique ring he gave Ashley and the lessons he learned along the way.

Chris can be found blogging at Striving for Wisdom and you can easily keep up to date with all his post by following the Striving for Wisdom Facebook Page.

Ashley writes over at Stay-At-Home Daughter and can be followed through her Facebook and Twitter pages.

If you'd like to leave a comment, drop in on Ashley and Chris (links above) or visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here

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